I am back on testosterone, on a low dose, because I have a mood disorder and nothing else I have found works half as well as it.
I have Interstitial cystitis, I was first developed symptoms when I started HRT the first time around, and the pain of it, and the four or so doctors who couldn’t give me any answers, was one of the reasons I stopped taking T, now I am back on it, and have had a major IC flare up, I worry that this connected and I will have to choose between the body I want and becoming best friends with the toilet door.
As far as evidence goes, I found nothing. I found the oh so helpful Donna commenting here.
Part of me just wants to join the forum to tell her
1) Find me a gender doc who knows fuck all about IC, or a urologist who knows fuck all about trans issues and I will go see them.
Breath man, breath.
Ok look, I am a trans guy and I have IC and testosterone seems to make it worse. For all the limits of case studies, I couldn’t find anything in the literature about trans guys getting bladder problems, but if I missed something or if I find something later I will post it.
For now I don’t know if my situation is rare? I talked to another trans guy who had what sounded exactly like IC but he had been fobbed off by doctors and never got diagnosed. Maybe a lot of trans guys get better on T but what I do know is that there is one more case study out there now then they was before I wrote this post, if you have come hear seeking answers, I wish I had them, for myself more than anything, I am sick of the pain, and the urgency, and the rest of it.
If you have experience of this, please comment, let me know what you tried, and what worked and what didn’t. In a data free world every data point is important, shorter cycles? longer cycles? Creams over shots? What helped you? Are you a trans women or maab trans person whose IC symptoms have changed after HRT? With two rare conditions* there is very little medical evidence about us, but there is an internet full of people, just some of them might be trans people in pain, on the toilet right now.
*if you see your trans status as a medical condition of course.
- I use Dragon NaturallySpeaking its a speech to text program and it doesn’t appear to be particularly bothered by my voice dropping, anyone who’s used one of these programs will know just how much training you tend to have to do before it will record your speech correctly most of the time. I was expecting to have to retrain it, and I am great full that I don’t have to.
- Of my earliest trans related memories are of cross sex dream. One dream in particular stands out from me. The first time, I remember it. I would have been about 10 but there may have been dreams before that in the dream. I am looking down at my crotch, I have what looks like a cis guys dick . I’m holding a pair of scissors they have red plastic handles and slightly dull looking metal, they are the kind we had in primary school for cutting out paper. In the dream reach down place the scissors over my Dick and wake feeling white hot pain.
I’ve had a number of dreams recently, which have included cross sex bodies but the body is very clearly my body. Not just thertically my body, not only a body which I know is mine, but a body that matches the body I have now. I see my chest, my tattoos my bumpy bits Love it or hate it it feels like it is now very much my body, and for the first time I remember it is very much a trans male body. I dreamt about my chest , the tattoos still where they the only difference was that my chest was flat without mascetomy scars, but my chest the same shape, the same lines of mussle and fat. I dreamt about my Dick and while my subconscious was a little optimistic about the affects of testosterone in meti it was clearly and unambiguously a Dick produced by meti rather than one grown from birth.
If I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if it’s important when I had my first dreams. The ones I still shudder to think about when I took all the violence that I did not yet understand and turned inwards. All the around forced myself to complete what I felt had been done to me. For years I discribbed myself as a genetic constrati because that is what it felt like, a boy born without a dick, and a body that looked female.
I didn’t know that there was any option. I didn’t know that there was another world. So of course my model of maleness was cis maleness. Of course, I had no idea what my Dick would look like. So does it mean that just that I think there are more ways to be male now. Then, I knew about back then. is my subconscious just being realistic. It knows what is possible and so that’s what gives me? Or is it something deeper?
You know, I probably wouldn’t have written about this, cause in a lot of ways the “butch flight” dog wissule isn’t my issue, I am not exculively gynophillic, I am femme as fuck and I tend to laugh at those who talk about butch flight.
So why am I writing about it? Because kate fucking bornstein linked me to this peice of transphobic crap.
The Kate that wrote gender outlaw has decided that hating on trans guys and other ft* people is totally feminist and not at all buying in to the same cisexist crap that she herself dealt with.
I don’t want to write up all the ways it is wrong, I don’t have the energy and that wasn’t why I started writing this blog.
I write this blog, because their wasn’t a whole lot of useful stuff I found when I started really dealing with the medial system on stories of femme trans boi/genderqueers, about how feminism and gender idenity interact and colour our perceptions, and that is what butch boi and Kate bornstein miss in totality, they make the same assumptions about my gender and sexuality that the wider cis community do they assume that I am butch (darling? really? ) that I date women exclusively (don’t get me wrong, the right kind girl can make me weak at the knees but I dig the boys and the those who are neither as well)
One thing that frustrated me when I into the medical system was the way I was treated as if this had been something that occured to me yesterday, rather than something I had been struggling with for a very long time, I was asked within the medical system to prove my male-ness by proving my masculinity, it was expected, and treatment would be withheld if I didn’t perform a butch dyke script, I avoided parts of it, I refused to misgender my partner to produce the butch femme narrative they where expecting, even though on the basis of his house, his cd collection and his cats I am clearly dating a lesbian.
I am reminded of the older style gender clinics that complained about how transexuals (women) lied about there histories to access hormones, knowing that if they didn’t present “the narititve” they wouldn’t be able to access treatment.
Butchboi sets up a senario of insufficent bulling of ft* people, zie wants me to have suffered more, I would have explored butchness instead of genderqueerness.
Further more, butchboi seems to be obsessed with gentials, here zie agians fits right in with the doctors, who are also obsessed with trans peoples gentials, to a much greater extent than trans people themselves, I believe that the vast majority of ft* people never get gential surgery, and of those who do get gentail surgery the more minor* procedure metaoidioplasty is much more common than more major* surgeries.
In the end, what kate linked to, and what butchboi wrote assumed that ft* people, where/are lesbains, belong to lesbains more than to themselves, will or should regret medical treatments and go the extremes rather than seeking the treatments which they need to deal with there dysphoria.In the end butchboi idenifies themselves as moving towards being a trans man without transtion, which I totally support, it is hir pissing on everyone else to do it that gets on my *not yet surgically mutilated tits*
I don’t believe that trans people are stupid, or misguided, or need to be talked down to, not by butches and not by gender outlaws who want to stop them experiencing their gender.
If you are worried about trans people regretting their transitional treatments, I recommend first talking to some latter transtioning people, as many of them may regret not transitioning earlier, who may talk about the difficulty of continuing a life where most of your resume says, “jill” and if you don’t, and if you don’t empathise with those trans people, please ask yourself, what are you doing when you talk about the what trans people should do for their own good?
Edit to add: And this doesn’t even touch the butch dykes who are trans, and probalby aren’t going to detranstion, who seem to be always missing from the conversation (I was guilty of that in my post about sewing suits)
*With regard to surgically complexity, recovery time, and so on.
I felt better, more energetic after r my first shot, I’m not sure if this was placebo or not, but it seems to have gone away, which would make sense as far as my understanding of dosage goes, the up in energy and the totally lack of bad side effects makes me seriously want to push the dose up faster than was planned, because damn it, I liked having energy.
So 15 hours after my first T shot I have
Started telling sexist jokes
Started breaking the speed limit
Had a nose bleed
Not any noticable psychological effects as of yet, maybe a bit more energy?
I am quite vain, and now that I have started testosterone I feel very motivated to do more body work/exercises I hope I can keep this up.
So some background.
I am 23
I have been aware that “something” was wrong gender wise since I was quite young.
I tick a surprising number of the classic transexual history check boxes , but it took me a long time to work out that transition was a good thing for me.
I am currently terrified.
I entered the transexual medical system, a little under a year ago, and I sit here writing this on a laptop sitting slightly uncomfortably 4 hours post my first shot.
Today was the appointment with the nice doctor at the nice queer clinic, and given my experience of the hurry up and wait, and while you wait we need your life story that, so much of the trans medical system seems to love, I was expecting this to be more of the same, and I am happy to say, that their are good people in the world, and that this doctor is one of them, he treated me as a reasonable adult, he didn’t flinch when I say up front that I was at risk of pregnancy, and then he proscribed a starting dose of testosterone which he then administered. I am hoping tomorrow to have more updates on how I feel on T, as I can’t really say their is anything I can point to yet and go “there that is T”