Most trans people I know talk about body dysmorphia, as there core gender discomfort they talk about there body being fundamentally wrong to them, I know that feeling, but it isn’t the dominant feeling I get is social dysmorphia, its not that I hate my chest, lots of the time I can take or leave my chest, unless my body dysmorphia is particularly bad I wont bind at home, I will wonder around in a t-shirt unbothered by my boobs, sometimes I will even wear a low cut top.
What bothers me is what my body means to other people. Several lovers have “proved” my femaleness by grabbing my crotch or my chest, those have been some of the most humiliating times of my life, in one case the person didn’t know, things had moved rather fast and she commented that I didn’t have a cock playfully, but the other two where direct attacks on my identity on the basis of what my body means, my body was taken as truth, my mind was clearly wrong.
I just want to say, if you date trans people, never ever do this, never ever. It’s hurtful and stupid.
Its not sexism that bothers me, it does bother me, I hate hearing women hated and disrespected, but it isn’t just then, its being included positively in female spaces, being asked to talk about what women geeks need, it’s ever she, and her that run nails down the blackboard in my brain. Its the invite to the women’s play party that reminds me that am considered female.
I don’t mind my body, but other people are hell.
I was out recently at my friends party, which had a lot of people I didn’t know, she asked if she should be correcting people who where reading me as female, she said.
I’ve seen that look in your eyes when you are trying not to show that you have just been kicked in the guts.
Did I mention she has an amazing way with words, that was just so right, so true it grabbed me. I am, in some respects so fucking nice, so fucking wilting, I let people walk all over me, I am to scared of my monstrous that I wont fucking ask for people to refer to me with something that doesn’t make me flinch. I act like pronouns aren’t a big deal because I don’t want them to be a big deal, but they are, and they not because of what they are, but because of what they symbolise.
“She” is that reminder that everyone else in the world see me differently than I see myself, “She” hurts because it remind me that I am still up for debate. The link is about being queer but there are plenty of invited speakers who claim that trans people don’t exist, or shouldn’t exist.
“She” is all those things, so maybe “She” isn’t being kicked in the stomach, maybe “she” is being hit on a bruise, it wouldn’t hurt a cis person, because they haven’t had been kicked there already.
It doesn’t need to be intentional, one can hug broken ribs with the best of intentions.