So I am over thinking things, I am always over thinking things. I feel that in this world, as gender queer/non binary person you pretty much have to pick a gender, more or less, to exist, I work in a customer facing job, I don’t get to tell my customers about non binary pronouns, realistically I can medically transition and deal with being gendered male or I can not and deal with being gendered female. That doesn’t seem very radical, but I like eating and living in doors, and that means keeping my job.
Having stepped back and reconsidered medical transition I am thinking about my long term prospects of living as female and… So I was at an event last night, I choose not to out myself, well I guess I didn’t and so I was, in everyone elses mind (except for the friend I was with) assumed I was cis female. Which is not a bad guess, I currently look like a pimply dyke most of the way, I was happy at one point to read as queers.
There where several moments which where deeply uncomfortable, lots of jokes about being women. The kinda casual boding of women with women that leaves me feeling like some weird alien gate crasher. At one point I was naked on a table (this was a demonstration I was being a model) I had a women* look at my genitals and say “nope, no penis” Gah. It was a great night but right then I wanted to run and hide.
So what the hell do I do, I don’t want to spend my whole life outing myself, explaining over and over again what I mean by gender queer, it’s dull, educating people is boring and I have better things to do, and I feel like if I don’t further transtion I will be considered fake or mad or attention seeking by my cis freinds. But it hurts, I have no idea how to stop it hurting.
I feel like there is no way out, like their isn’t room in this world for people like me and I have no idea how to make space in the world for me, I can talk about the big issues, about passports, and medical services, about jobs and housing, but I have no idea how to make a world where I feel ok.