knee length, cute, black, wool, buinesswear, political and mental battle ground.
What does it mean to wear a skirt, one I have worn many times before one which I often wore when I was doing office work, out while out as trans.
Am I not trans enough, am I letting other trans people down, given that I am passing as cis and enjoying it?
By the end of the night, I knew I was doing the right thing, I had had fun, but god it was nice to rip it all off.
But then, what the fuck do I mean by genderqueer, I feel like their is a whole lot of pressure to act like non binary id’s are some cute name for binary id’s like I am some trans man who is cool with the lingo.
I feel a huge pressure to disown female parts of me, a trans female friend commented recently we I talked about this that it had taken her years to be ok with the idea dressing butch, and that she didn’t know how I could do it. I totally understand her point of view, but for me, their isn’t safety or freedom from dysmorphia in presenting as purely male, because it isn’t me.
Gender Fucking Queer In particular for me I am in important and significant ways female, or femme or something.
Now if only I could convince myself that I wasn’t less real, less truly trans because of it.
When I am caught up in body dysmorphia I can start to think that cis people have perfect bodies. I am having a bad dysphoria week, partly borough on by not wanting to wear binders because I am feeling sick.
I have started exercising on weekends sometimes which a group of my friends, one of whom is a cis guy around the same hight and weight as me, I have a bmi around 30, that is I am “clinically obese” but if you meet me/know me I think that rather than fat the words that come to mind would be more along the lines of stocky I grabbed a picture idea of what I look like
his chest isn’t completely flat, it is flatter than mine, but it really helped to be able to see he running, see him who I know to be a very strong guy with a chest that looks like mine when I am wearing a sports top or a light binder. it helps me feel ok about my body.
guess there’s something wrong with me
guess I don’t fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin
I’ve got more than one membership
to more than one club
and I owe my life
to the people that I love
A friend of mine was talking about a dyke event she was planning to perform in, and I mentioned that I would love to see her perform, then I stopped six months from now six months on testosterone will I be welcome? What would being welcome mean?
This might seem selfish, unfair that I want to maintain access to a community which the mainstream trans narrative says I was only ever considered a member of by accident. But I’m still a Dyke, I trace my history to passing women and others whose identities were not as carefully boxed as we would like them to be this is complicated conversation with a complicated history. Female assigned trans people such as myself were held up as a defence against reasonable accusation of transphobia and bigotry targeted at male assigned and intersex trans people. I don’t want to add to that but I’m still not sure that I’m okay with being asked to forget my history; to simplify my identity for the benefit of cis people’s understanding.
With another friend at day or two ago I realised that I was talking about myself as a queer woman. This is not internalised transphobia, I am taking which ever words reference who I am and how I feel I am the situation then.
I am sick of being asked to pick a side, yet again.
I am gender queer you can not invite me into your club because of the reality of my body you can erase those like me from your history, you can pretend that the lesbian community has always been a woman’s community if you so want but I’ll still be here. My people will still be in your history we will still exist in the border lands Please don’t talk about passing women like they were all misunderstood like if only they been able to the binary identified transsexual men then they would all blended and left their history behind. because it is our community whether or not you choose to just think there are exist I am male I am female I am neither I am both and I am things we don’t have a word for yet. Pretend all you like but I’m still here.
I won’t go where not welcome that is as much self defence as it is a political stance I do not have the time or energy to fight but that’s not the same as saying that I accept that I do not belong.
Looking in my wardrobe tonight, and the party dresses in there, they aren’t going anywhere.