Genderqueer 2 genderqueer's Blog

Where we belong

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on August 27, 2010

I understand the anger, I am not saying it is wrong,  particularly when the same communities kick out out trans women but… but…

I worry that this view ignores non binary people a friend of mine considers zir self to be a transgender butch, while not female zie does consider hirself part of the lesbian community, zie used to be on T but isn’t anymore, is sometimes read as female and sometimes as male, but it is more than that.

I want to tell a story, this story is from memory and the details may be wrong, I also do not know how this guy ided, other than being a faab transtioning person, but I do remember him requesting male pronouns

Sitting around in a trans support group, the topic of the day was chosen family a young man spoke of loosing family twice, first being abandoned by his birth family for being queer, and then loosing those who considered him their family because he came out as trans, his mentors, his chosen family came from the lesbian community, he had been a lesbian, and his chosen family turned their back on him.

In his story, his voice, his eyes I saw a defeated bitterness, a person who discovered that to be himself, meant being abandoned yet again.

History is important, it makes us who we are, cis men generally don’t have years of being seen as a lesbian and seeing themselves of a lesbian.

I do not have a theory, I am not trying to say that this is a fundamental world view, but I know what happened was wrong.

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That skirt.

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on August 9, 2010

knee length, cute, black, wool, buinesswear, political and mental battle ground.

What does it mean to wear a skirt, one I have worn many times before one which I often wore when I was doing office work, out while out as trans.

Am I not trans enough, am I letting other trans people down, given that I am passing as cis and enjoying it?

By the end of the night, I knew I was doing the right thing, I had had fun, but god it was nice to rip it all off.

But then, what the fuck do I mean by genderqueer, I feel like their is a whole lot of pressure to act like non binary id’s are some cute name for binary id’s like I am some trans man who is cool with the lingo.

I feel a huge pressure to disown female parts of me, a trans female friend commented recently we I talked about this that it had taken her years to be ok with the idea dressing butch, and that she didn’t know how I could do it. I totally understand her point of view, but for me, their isn’t safety or freedom from dysmorphia in presenting as purely male, because it isn’t me.

Gender Fucking Queer In particular for me I am in important and significant ways female, or femme or something.
Now if only I could convince myself that I wasn’t less real, less truly trans because of it.

ft* phobia (or oh god, it’s butch flight again! )

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on June 11, 2010

You know, I probably wouldn’t have written about this, cause in a lot of ways the “butch flight” dog wissule isn’t my issue, I am not exculively gynophillic, I am femme as fuck and I tend to laugh at those who talk about butch flight.

So why am I writing about it? Because kate fucking bornstein linked me to this peice of transphobic crap.

The Kate that wrote gender outlaw has decided that hating on trans guys and other ft* people is totally feminist and not at all buying in to the same cisexist crap that she herself dealt with.

I don’t want to write up all the ways it is wrong, I don’t have the energy and that wasn’t why I started writing this blog.

I write this blog, because their wasn’t a whole lot of useful stuff I found when I started really dealing with the medial system on stories of femme trans boi/genderqueers, about how feminism and gender idenity interact and colour our perceptions, and that is what butch boi and Kate bornstein miss in totality, they make the same assumptions about my gender and sexuality that the wider  cis community do they assume that I am butch (darling? really? ) that I date women exclusively (don’t get me wrong, the right kind girl can make me weak at the knees but I dig the boys and the those who are neither as well)

One thing that frustrated me when I into the medical system was the way I was treated as if this had been something that occured to me yesterday, rather than something I had been struggling with for a very long time, I was asked within the medical system to prove my male-ness by proving my masculinity, it was expected, and treatment would be withheld if I didn’t perform a butch dyke script, I avoided parts of it, I refused to misgender my partner to produce the butch femme narrative they where expecting, even though on the basis of his house,  his cd collection and his cats I am clearly dating a lesbian.

I am reminded of the older style gender clinics that complained about how transexuals (women) lied about there histories to access hormones, knowing that if they didn’t present “the narititve” they wouldn’t be able to access treatment.

Butchboi sets up a senario of insufficent bulling of ft* people, zie wants me to have suffered more, I would have explored butchness instead of genderqueerness.

Further more, butchboi seems to be obsessed with gentials, here zie agians fits right in with the doctors, who are also obsessed with trans peoples gentials, to a much greater extent than trans people themselves, I believe that the vast majority of ft* people never get gential surgery, and of those who do get gentail surgery the more minor* procedure metaoidioplasty is much more common than more major* surgeries.

In the end, what kate linked to, and what butchboi wrote assumed that ft* people, where/are lesbains, belong to lesbains more than to themselves, will or should regret medical treatments and go the extremes rather than seeking the treatments which they need to deal with there dysphoria.In the end butchboi idenifies themselves as moving towards being a trans man without transtion, which I totally support, it is hir pissing on everyone else to do it that gets on my *not yet surgically mutilated tits*

I don’t believe that trans people are stupid, or misguided, or need to be talked down to, not by butches and not by gender outlaws who want to stop them experiencing their gender.

If you are worried about trans people regretting their transitional treatments, I recommend first talking to some latter transtioning people, as many of them may regret not transitioning earlier, who may talk about the difficulty of continuing a life where most of your resume says, “jill” and if you don’t, and if you don’t empathise with those trans people, please ask yourself, what are you doing when you talk about the what trans people should do for their own good?

Edit to add: And this doesn’t even touch the butch dykes who are trans, and probalby aren’t going to detranstion, who seem to be always missing from the conversation (I was guilty of that in my post about sewing suits)

*With regard to surgically complexity, recovery time, and so on.

Link love.

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on May 24, 2010

I am not a woman. But I care about women’s rights. Not just because women are a marginalised group and I think that everyone deserves equal rights, but because some aspects of the battle for women’s rights concern me and my body. The concrete victories which feminists have won have made a personal difference to me and my life, just as the women’s rights issues which remain unresolved (and there are many) have an immediate impact on my life, my safety, my health.

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keywords, not idenities

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on April 26, 2010

Keywords, not labels was linked to by nix’s and all I could think was hell yes.

I said in a earlier post that I a lot of identities, and I think the way  Rebecca put it was about right, it’s not that I have a lot of identities, it’s that I don’t have clear identities, I have a lot of keywords, which fit, at some times, and don’t at others, which have less or more importance to me at the time.

As I said earlier I am a academic, to be specificity I work in the space between mathematics and computer science, some times the papers I read (and hopeful write) are computer science papers, some times they are statistical papers, sometime they are math papers, some items they are all of the above.

This doesn’t bother academics, they are used to papers being complex, being more than one thing, being if I can abuse the terminology, non binary.

Rebecca says she doesn’t think it will catch on, I hope she is wrong.

Dear Dr Kennedy, I have some issues with your methodology

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on April 16, 2010

Some time ago, you wrote this piece.

I would like to disagree, so I will.

In addition to the referral letter we ask that everyone provides two photographs and an account of how gender issues have impacted on their lives

Ok, why the photos, cause that seems kinda creepy, frankly?

Only about 25% F-M come to surgery. This is probably a good thing

Leaving aside the idea that not getting treatment is a good thing, how do you? do you do follow-up, are
you sure these men aren’t seeking surgery though the kind of people who don’t think it is a bad idea that they have it? Why is surgery the end point? many trans people live in their identified gender without surgery, I don’t know if I will get chest surgery, I currently don’t have any plans for it, is my living in an ambiguous body, identifying as non binary and on T so that I can pass as male a good thing? Because I am guessing you wouldn’t think so.

Make no mistake, transition is difficult: physically, psychologically and socially.

Having started T, I feel better physically and psychologically, social life seems fairly good, most people have reacted well or at least not badly, so no, I disagree yet again, and ask do you have any evidence for this, are there studies which show that this is a more difficult time for trans people than say, staying closeted?

All in all, transition is the biggest decision of your life

You know, I think deciding to do honours, and to persue an academic career was harder, and speaking of which I am currently transitioning and doing honours, guess which one causes more stress, more insanity and more late night finishing essays, oh wait, that gives it away don’t it.

losing community, or this is real now

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on April 6, 2010

guess there’s something wrong with me
guess I don’t fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin
I’ve got more than one membership
to more than one club
and I owe my life
to the people that I love

-Ani DiFranco

A friend of mine was talking about a dyke event she was planning to perform in, and I mentioned  that I would love to see her perform, then I stopped six months from now six months on testosterone will I be welcome? What would being welcome mean?

This might seem selfish, unfair that I want to maintain access to a community which the mainstream trans narrative says I was only ever considered a member of by accident. But I’m still a Dyke, I trace my history to passing women and others whose identities were not as carefully boxed as we would like them to be this is complicated conversation with a complicated history. Female assigned trans people such as myself were held up as a defence against reasonable accusation of transphobia and bigotry targeted at male assigned and intersex trans people. I don’t want to add to that but I’m still not sure that I’m okay with being asked to forget my history; to simplify my identity for the benefit of cis people’s understanding.

With another friend at day or two ago I realised that I was talking about myself as a queer woman.  This is not internalised transphobia, I am taking which ever words reference who I am and how I feel I am the situation then.
I am sick of being asked to pick a side, yet again.

I am gender queer you can not invite me into your club because of the reality of my body you can erase those like me from your history, you can pretend that the lesbian community has always been a woman’s community if you so want but I’ll still be  here. My people will still be in your history we will still exist in the border lands Please don’t talk about passing women like they were all misunderstood like if only they been able to the binary identified transsexual men then they would all blended and left their history behind. because it is our community whether or not you choose to just think there are exist I am male I am female I am neither I am both and I am things we don’t have a word for yet. Pretend all you like but I’m still here.

I won’t go where not welcome that is as much self defence as it is a political stance I do not have the time or energy to fight but that’s not the same as saying that I accept that I do not belong.