Genderqueer 2 genderqueer's Blog

Questions from search

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on October 21, 2012

I have a number of searches which are all variants of why are all genderqueers female assigned at birth.

Short answer, they are not, many gq and non binary people where assigned as male or intersex, if I had to guess I would say that non binary people are as likely to be male assigned as female assigned, so I would reframe the question as why do people assume non binary and gq people are FAAB?

I would start with masculine privilege, and a social dislike of people considered male cross dresses, butchness is idolized, many gq FAAB people are lumped in with butch dykes, where as “male cross dressers” which many gq maab people are seen as are seen as pathetic, gross, a joke, not as gender rebel, which is to say classic trans misogyny.

I think it is worth repeating a genderqueer community which welcomes people on the basis of assigned sex is missing the god damn point, and the sooner that genderqueer doesn’t mean skinny white faab and masculine the better.

fetishisation of ftm’s/faab genderqueers and faab butches

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on September 9, 2011

A lot of time is spent talking about the fetishistation of some kinds of trans guys and faab gender variance. I want to talk about this and that will lead to generalizations so I want to start with making clear that while binary ided trans guys, faab genderqueers, and female ided faab butches are thrown into one big bucket they can have very different experiences, for a start, only some of them are men, Right moving on.

I have personal have only experienced the very edges of this, most of my partners are straight ided men, who wish I would stop mentioning the whole trans thing, and wear dresses more often. Which give me a different perspective I think than men and gq’s who have spent more time in queer women spaces and women and trans spaces.

My experience of these spaces is surprise that anyone wants to sleep with me when I am not in drag. I am yet to get laid out of the wonder of trans fetishisation, I don’t fit the ideal, some how the “radical superbutch” loving lesbians wander off when I start enthusing about the new McQueen collection. I’m not thin, I don’t pass, and I live as female.

I have on occasion passed well enough as “radical superbutch” to attract attention and while it switches one uncomfortable drag for another it is in marked contrast from the hetro world I mostly move in (I suspect that gay men want nothing to do with me, sexually).

One thing that marks my experience of sexuality is that I need to present a fake me to get laid, a more feminine, straighter, cis version of me, being hot and being seen as sexuality available means presenting as femme, and sometimes I am quite ok with if that is what I feel like, but I know (most) my partners have preferred it, and I know that there are times where I have sacrificed my mental health for that.

I am going to a sex positive blogger/twitter meet up tonight and while I quite like the idea of meeting potential partners, I can’t bear femme drag right now, so I am going in my pretty gayboy getup, which is fine and all, except that I wish I could work out how to signal interested in men and available without having to trip up my dysphoria.

A friend of mine said recently, “I don’t know what trans guys get out of butch femme communities, except for misgendering” Well, I have put up with plenty of misgendering in an attempt to get a little bit of love and companionship, I had one partner of then 18 months tell a friend of mine that he wasn’t really ready to date a trans guy, and he left me when I started T, to date a cis women. So if I will put up with that for love, for companionship, I cant imagine why a straight trans man would be any different, and I know how attractive fetishisation can be, when the alternative is a world that can’t imagine you as sexual.

That skirt.

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on August 9, 2010

knee length, cute, black, wool, buinesswear, political and mental battle ground.

What does it mean to wear a skirt, one I have worn many times before one which I often wore when I was doing office work, out while out as trans.

Am I not trans enough, am I letting other trans people down, given that I am passing as cis and enjoying it?

By the end of the night, I knew I was doing the right thing, I had had fun, but god it was nice to rip it all off.

But then, what the fuck do I mean by genderqueer, I feel like their is a whole lot of pressure to act like non binary id’s are some cute name for binary id’s like I am some trans man who is cool with the lingo.

I feel a huge pressure to disown female parts of me, a trans female friend commented recently we I talked about this that it had taken her years to be ok with the idea dressing butch, and that she didn’t know how I could do it. I totally understand her point of view, but for me, their isn’t safety or freedom from dysmorphia in presenting as purely male, because it isn’t me.

Gender Fucking Queer In particular for me I am in important and significant ways female, or femme or something.
Now if only I could convince myself that I wasn’t less real, less truly trans because of it.

I am some kind of genderqueer clark kent

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on June 2, 2010

Oh hey, we have a new writer around here, I will let them introduce themselves but I am looking forward to seeing their writing.

So their is a feminist anti-porn, anti “raunch culture” meeting going on near me, and given the subject matter I raunch should be represented too,  so pull out my sluttish girl drag, 4 inch heels with rhinestones, thinking micro mini and push up bra under a shirt that says lust in big letters across the chest, throw on a collar and I am ready to go. while a lot of ft* people (as well as butches of all histories) would find this kind of get up really dysphoria causing, I can invistion it as drag, so it doesn’t bother me, being the flaming faggot I am, I just become another queen who is remarkably good a tucking.

So what is the issue? I have a gender doc appointment before this I can not see the lovely gp who is wrting my T scripts see me in girl drag, so this is the plan for tommorrow, go into the doctor in boy drag (best binder, but otherwise pretty much how I dress day to day, with a bag full of femme contraband, get bloodwork done, talk about fitting into a male role, find a public toliet, change into Raunch Slut! defender of sluts everywhere! That sounds stupid and self egrandising, let’s say, just slutting everywhere.

Such is the life of the gender fluid.

keywords, not idenities

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on April 26, 2010

Keywords, not labels was linked to by nix’s and all I could think was hell yes.

I said in a earlier post that I a lot of identities, and I think the way  Rebecca put it was about right, it’s not that I have a lot of identities, it’s that I don’t have clear identities, I have a lot of keywords, which fit, at some times, and don’t at others, which have less or more importance to me at the time.

As I said earlier I am a academic, to be specificity I work in the space between mathematics and computer science, some times the papers I read (and hopeful write) are computer science papers, some times they are statistical papers, sometime they are math papers, some items they are all of the above.

This doesn’t bother academics, they are used to papers being complex, being more than one thing, being if I can abuse the terminology, non binary.

Rebecca says she doesn’t think it will catch on, I hope she is wrong.

Rape, abuse, privilege, and conditioning for this particular faab genderqueer

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on April 17, 2010

This is a trigger warning, I am talking about some heavy stuff.

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I have been abused.

I have had my boundaries walked all over.

I don’t yet know how enforce by boundaries, under stress, in all conditions.

When I had just turned 18 I had sex I didn’t want to have with a much older man, he argued that it meant much more to him that we had sex than it meant to me that we didn’t, I still get nightmares about that.

I internalised this message, I didn’t say no, when I was tired, when I was sick, when I was so angry that I wanted to vomit.

I take sleeping pills sometimes, I found myself wanting to thank my partner for not abusing my intoxication on them, for curling up with me and patting me and making me feel safe.

I identified as female or something like it, most of my life, I am almost always read as female.

Rape culture taught me well, and those lessons are going to take a long time to unlearn.

I have read this post several times of the years, and every time, every point makes me want to scream in agreement.

I am terrified that because of my victimisation I am now damaged goods, broken, I was scared to see my partner and my lover because I though they would reject me, that what we had would be destroyed because I was no longer, unspoilt.

You don’t need to be female to be a femalizied victim.

To be a victim of this fucked up world

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