I have a number of searches which are all variants of why are all genderqueers female assigned at birth.
Short answer, they are not, many gq and non binary people where assigned as male or intersex, if I had to guess I would say that non binary people are as likely to be male assigned as female assigned, so I would reframe the question as why do people assume non binary and gq people are FAAB?
I would start with masculine privilege, and a social dislike of people considered male cross dresses, butchness is idolized, many gq FAAB people are lumped in with butch dykes, where as “male cross dressers” which many gq maab people are seen as are seen as pathetic, gross, a joke, not as gender rebel, which is to say classic trans misogyny.
I think it is worth repeating a genderqueer community which welcomes people on the basis of assigned sex is missing the god damn point, and the sooner that genderqueer doesn’t mean skinny white faab and masculine the better.
A lot of time is spent talking about the fetishistation of some kinds of trans guys and faab gender variance. I want to talk about this and that will lead to generalizations so I want to start with making clear that while binary ided trans guys, faab genderqueers, and female ided faab butches are thrown into one big bucket they can have very different experiences, for a start, only some of them are men, Right moving on.
I have personal have only experienced the very edges of this, most of my partners are straight ided men, who wish I would stop mentioning the whole trans thing, and wear dresses more often. Which give me a different perspective I think than men and gq’s who have spent more time in queer women spaces and women and trans spaces.
My experience of these spaces is surprise that anyone wants to sleep with me when I am not in drag. I am yet to get laid out of the wonder of trans fetishisation, I don’t fit the ideal, some how the “radical superbutch” loving lesbians wander off when I start enthusing about the new McQueen collection. I’m not thin, I don’t pass, and I live as female.
I have on occasion passed well enough as “radical superbutch” to attract attention and while it switches one uncomfortable drag for another it is in marked contrast from the hetro world I mostly move in (I suspect that gay men want nothing to do with me, sexually).
One thing that marks my experience of sexuality is that I need to present a fake me to get laid, a more feminine, straighter, cis version of me, being hot and being seen as sexuality available means presenting as femme, and sometimes I am quite ok with if that is what I feel like, but I know (most) my partners have preferred it, and I know that there are times where I have sacrificed my mental health for that.
I am going to a sex positive blogger/twitter meet up tonight and while I quite like the idea of meeting potential partners, I can’t bear femme drag right now, so I am going in my pretty gayboy getup, which is fine and all, except that I wish I could work out how to signal interested in men and available without having to trip up my dysphoria.
A friend of mine said recently, “I don’t know what trans guys get out of butch femme communities, except for misgendering” Well, I have put up with plenty of misgendering in an attempt to get a little bit of love and companionship, I had one partner of then 18 months tell a friend of mine that he wasn’t really ready to date a trans guy, and he left me when I started T, to date a cis women. So if I will put up with that for love, for companionship, I cant imagine why a straight trans man would be any different, and I know how attractive fetishisation can be, when the alternative is a world that can’t imagine you as sexual.
I understand the anger, I am not saying it is wrong, particularly when the same communities kick out out trans women but… but…
I worry that this view ignores non binary people a friend of mine considers zir self to be a transgender butch, while not female zie does consider hirself part of the lesbian community, zie used to be on T but isn’t anymore, is sometimes read as female and sometimes as male, but it is more than that.
I want to tell a story, this story is from memory and the details may be wrong, I also do not know how this guy ided, other than being a faab transtioning person, but I do remember him requesting male pronouns
Sitting around in a trans support group, the topic of the day was chosen family a young man spoke of loosing family twice, first being abandoned by his birth family for being queer, and then loosing those who considered him their family because he came out as trans, his mentors, his chosen family came from the lesbian community, he had been a lesbian, and his chosen family turned their back on him.
In his story, his voice, his eyes I saw a defeated bitterness, a person who discovered that to be himself, meant being abandoned yet again.
History is important, it makes us who we are, cis men generally don’t have years of being seen as a lesbian and seeing themselves of a lesbian.
I do not have a theory, I am not trying to say that this is a fundamental world view, but I know what happened was wrong.
I found a incoming like to this blog, which I will not like back about someone joking about trans men’s fear of victimisation in jail.
This to put not to fine a point on it, triggered the fuck out of me, because I am scared, because I suffer from flashbacks and memories of past victimisation, because in a male jail I would be a small non passing guy with breasts and a cunt.
I would be vulnerable, and because of a law discussed in my state, that looked good on paper about the searching trans* people by police was writen is such a way that a detective could argue that they where in the right because they assumed that a butch women was really a _trans man_ and therefore it was appropriate for them to search her, rather than treating her in the same way that a gender conforming cis person would be treated.
Lets be clear, conversations about rape need to centre women, the primary victims of sexual abuse, and convsations about trans* victims of rape should center trans women, and other maab trans people, as they are at higher risk of victimisation, but we do ourselves no favours by ignoring abuse, any violation, treating it as as not important.
But, I care about humans, and that means stepping back from a rigid kyriarchical analysis and recognising that all victims are stripped of their humanity, and reconfirming that humanity should be a step on the journey.
It’s absolutely acceptable to center a particularly oppressed group when talking about rape, especially when you belong to that group yourself. I find it entirely acceptable and even positive for women to focus on rape committed against women, and to not be constantly compelled to talk about men, who are in a position of relative privilege. I find it similarly acceptable and positive for trans* people of whatever gender to focus on rape committed against other trans* people, and to not be constantly harassed about caring more about cis survivors. I find it acceptable and positive for people with disabilities to talk about sexual violence specifically committed against other people with disabilities, and to not have to deal with constant reminders that abled people are raped, too.
And I honestly have not the slightest clue why anyone would think that I might want to take that from them.
But actively denying those survivors you don’t center is a different story. Castigating someone else for talking about them ever, and for even calling their experiences rape, is an entirely different subject. Outright saying that you do not care if they are raped may indeed be an expression of righteous anger, but it’s sure as hell not getting us anywhere, collectively. Ejecting other survivors from a larger community of survivors is alienating, as is also attempting to eject those who dare mention their existence.
That post made me feel a lot better, because I know that I have privilege in this society, I know that many people have it worse than me, and I feel once again like I am standing with the community knowing that those around me wont tell me that my issues are unimportant, that they can be gotten too, later, or not at all.
TL;DR: Look, I don’t expect you to advocate for me, or focus activism on me rather other groups, particularly when those groups are in as bad, or worse a position socially but supporting you shouldn’t be based on pulling me, or anyone else down, or thinking that another oppressed group should be raped because that is just so gosh-darn-funny, and you know, edgy
You know, I probably wouldn’t have written about this, cause in a lot of ways the “butch flight” dog wissule isn’t my issue, I am not exculively gynophillic, I am femme as fuck and I tend to laugh at those who talk about butch flight.
So why am I writing about it? Because kate fucking bornstein linked me to this peice of transphobic crap.
The Kate that wrote gender outlaw has decided that hating on trans guys and other ft* people is totally feminist and not at all buying in to the same cisexist crap that she herself dealt with.
I don’t want to write up all the ways it is wrong, I don’t have the energy and that wasn’t why I started writing this blog.
I write this blog, because their wasn’t a whole lot of useful stuff I found when I started really dealing with the medial system on stories of femme trans boi/genderqueers, about how feminism and gender idenity interact and colour our perceptions, and that is what butch boi and Kate bornstein miss in totality, they make the same assumptions about my gender and sexuality that the wider cis community do they assume that I am butch (darling? really? ) that I date women exclusively (don’t get me wrong, the right kind girl can make me weak at the knees but I dig the boys and the those who are neither as well)
One thing that frustrated me when I into the medical system was the way I was treated as if this had been something that occured to me yesterday, rather than something I had been struggling with for a very long time, I was asked within the medical system to prove my male-ness by proving my masculinity, it was expected, and treatment would be withheld if I didn’t perform a butch dyke script, I avoided parts of it, I refused to misgender my partner to produce the butch femme narrative they where expecting, even though on the basis of his house, his cd collection and his cats I am clearly dating a lesbian.
I am reminded of the older style gender clinics that complained about how transexuals (women) lied about there histories to access hormones, knowing that if they didn’t present “the narititve” they wouldn’t be able to access treatment.
Butchboi sets up a senario of insufficent bulling of ft* people, zie wants me to have suffered more, I would have explored butchness instead of genderqueerness.
Further more, butchboi seems to be obsessed with gentials, here zie agians fits right in with the doctors, who are also obsessed with trans peoples gentials, to a much greater extent than trans people themselves, I believe that the vast majority of ft* people never get gential surgery, and of those who do get gentail surgery the more minor* procedure metaoidioplasty is much more common than more major* surgeries.
In the end, what kate linked to, and what butchboi wrote assumed that ft* people, where/are lesbains, belong to lesbains more than to themselves, will or should regret medical treatments and go the extremes rather than seeking the treatments which they need to deal with there dysphoria.In the end butchboi idenifies themselves as moving towards being a trans man without transtion, which I totally support, it is hir pissing on everyone else to do it that gets on my *not yet surgically mutilated tits*
I don’t believe that trans people are stupid, or misguided, or need to be talked down to, not by butches and not by gender outlaws who want to stop them experiencing their gender.
If you are worried about trans people regretting their transitional treatments, I recommend first talking to some latter transtioning people, as many of them may regret not transitioning earlier, who may talk about the difficulty of continuing a life where most of your resume says, “jill” and if you don’t, and if you don’t empathise with those trans people, please ask yourself, what are you doing when you talk about the what trans people should do for their own good?
Edit to add: And this doesn’t even touch the butch dykes who are trans, and probalby aren’t going to detranstion, who seem to be always missing from the conversation (I was guilty of that in my post about sewing suits)
*With regard to surgically complexity, recovery time, and so on.
So I really liked the offbeat brides guide with one exception, I don’t have $600 to spend on a suit and get it altered if you do great.. Check out the offbeat bride article. If you don’t have the cash, read the article anyway, it’s suit buying tips will still be important for you.
Right, so lets assume like me you don’t have the kind of money to blow that would get you a customised nice suit, and maybe you need a suit, for a job, or a job interview.
So, suits for butches and ft*’s on the cheap.
hit the op shops, hit second hand stores, ask at freecycle check online places like ebay or Craig’s list hit up uncles and freinds for suits that don’t fit them anymore, try to find something about your size.Good quality suits have extra fabric in the seams so that you can take them out, look for pants which have the center back seam (the one sitting over your butt crack) which have a good inch of extra room, this means that you can take them out, which is brilliant for me who will never fit the jacket of pants I fit, or vis versa
When you have suit, and if your anything like me, the pants are tight, and the shoulders are loose (I got booty) so now, you need a hand sewing kit, for me I would want at least a set of pins, some needles, thread and a quick unpicker, a machine will help, but isn’t essential.
Measure yourself up, these instructions are quite good, and work out what changes need me be made. particularly if you haven’t done a lot of sewing before tack everything up, this means, make large easy to remove stitches first just to make sure, to see if everything fits, and don’t cut until you are really sure, remember up till then you can always go back.
This is a trigger warning, I am talking about some heavy stuff.
I have been abused.
I have had my boundaries walked all over.
I don’t yet know how enforce by boundaries, under stress, in all conditions.
When I had just turned 18 I had sex I didn’t want to have with a much older man, he argued that it meant much more to him that we had sex than it meant to me that we didn’t, I still get nightmares about that.
I internalised this message, I didn’t say no, when I was tired, when I was sick, when I was so angry that I wanted to vomit.
I take sleeping pills sometimes, I found myself wanting to thank my partner for not abusing my intoxication on them, for curling up with me and patting me and making me feel safe.
I identified as female or something like it, most of my life, I am almost always read as female.
Rape culture taught me well, and those lessons are going to take a long time to unlearn.
I have read this post several times of the years, and every time, every point makes me want to scream in agreement.
I am terrified that because of my victimisation I am now damaged goods, broken, I was scared to see my partner and my lover because I though they would reject me, that what we had would be destroyed because I was no longer, unspoilt.
You don’t need to be female to be a femalizied victim.
To be a victim of this fucked up world