Most trans people I know talk about body dysmorphia, as there core gender discomfort they talk about there body being fundamentally wrong to them, I know that feeling, but it isn’t the dominant feeling I get is social dysmorphia, its not that I hate my chest, lots of the time I can take or leave my chest, unless my body dysmorphia is particularly bad I wont bind at home, I will wonder around in a t-shirt unbothered by my boobs, sometimes I will even wear a low cut top.
What bothers me is what my body means to other people. Several lovers have “proved” my femaleness by grabbing my crotch or my chest, those have been some of the most humiliating times of my life, in one case the person didn’t know, things had moved rather fast and she commented that I didn’t have a cock playfully, but the other two where direct attacks on my identity on the basis of what my body means, my body was taken as truth, my mind was clearly wrong.
I just want to say, if you date trans people, never ever do this, never ever. It’s hurtful and stupid.
Its not sexism that bothers me, it does bother me, I hate hearing women hated and disrespected, but it isn’t just then, its being included positively in female spaces, being asked to talk about what women geeks need, it’s ever she, and her that run nails down the blackboard in my brain. Its the invite to the women’s play party that reminds me that am considered female.
I don’t mind my body, but other people are hell.
So I am over thinking things, I am always over thinking things. I feel that in this world, as gender queer/non binary person you pretty much have to pick a gender, more or less, to exist, I work in a customer facing job, I don’t get to tell my customers about non binary pronouns, realistically I can medically transition and deal with being gendered male or I can not and deal with being gendered female. That doesn’t seem very radical, but I like eating and living in doors, and that means keeping my job.
Having stepped back and reconsidered medical transition I am thinking about my long term prospects of living as female and… So I was at an event last night, I choose not to out myself, well I guess I didn’t and so I was, in everyone elses mind (except for the friend I was with) assumed I was cis female. Which is not a bad guess, I currently look like a pimply dyke most of the way, I was happy at one point to read as queers.
There where several moments which where deeply uncomfortable, lots of jokes about being women. The kinda casual boding of women with women that leaves me feeling like some weird alien gate crasher. At one point I was naked on a table (this was a demonstration I was being a model) I had a women* look at my genitals and say “nope, no penis” Gah. It was a great night but right then I wanted to run and hide.
So what the hell do I do, I don’t want to spend my whole life outing myself, explaining over and over again what I mean by gender queer, it’s dull, educating people is boring and I have better things to do, and I feel like if I don’t further transtion I will be considered fake or mad or attention seeking by my cis freinds. But it hurts, I have no idea how to stop it hurting.
I feel like there is no way out, like their isn’t room in this world for people like me and I have no idea how to make space in the world for me, I can talk about the big issues, about passports, and medical services, about jobs and housing, but I have no idea how to make a world where I feel ok.
When I am caught up in body dysmorphia I can start to think that cis people have perfect bodies. I am having a bad dysphoria week, partly borough on by not wanting to wear binders because I am feeling sick.
I have started exercising on weekends sometimes which a group of my friends, one of whom is a cis guy around the same hight and weight as me, I have a bmi around 30, that is I am “clinically obese” but if you meet me/know me I think that rather than fat the words that come to mind would be more along the lines of stocky I grabbed a picture idea of what I look like
his chest isn’t completely flat, it is flatter than mine, but it really helped to be able to see he running, see him who I know to be a very strong guy with a chest that looks like mine when I am wearing a sports top or a light binder. it helps me feel ok about my body.