Genderqueer 2 genderqueer's Blog

strange things

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on December 13, 2010
  • I use Dragon NaturallySpeaking its a speech to text program  and it doesn’t appear to be particularly bothered by my voice dropping, anyone who’s used one of these programs will know just how much training you tend to have to do before it will record your speech correctly most of the time. I was expecting to have to retrain it, and I am great full that I don’t have to.
  • Of my earliest trans related memories are of cross sex dream. One dream in particular  stands out from me. The first time, I remember it. I would have been about 10 but there may have been dreams before that in the dream. I am looking down at my crotch, I have what looks like a cis guys dick . I’m holding a pair of scissors they have red plastic handles and slightly dull looking metal, they are the kind we had in primary school for cutting out paper. In the dream reach down place the scissors over my Dick and wake feeling white hot pain.

I’ve had a number of dreams recently, which have included cross sex bodies but the body is very clearly my body. Not just thertically my body, not only a body which I know is mine, but a body that matches the body I have now. I see my chest, my tattoos my bumpy bits Love it or hate it it feels like it is now very much my body, and for the first time I remember it is very much a trans male body. I dreamt about my chest , the tattoos still where they the only difference was that my chest was flat without mascetomy scars, but my chest the same shape, the same lines of mussle and fat. I dreamt about my Dick and while my subconscious was a little optimistic about the affects of testosterone in meti it was clearly and unambiguously a Dick produced by meti rather than one grown from birth.

If I don’t know what this means. I don’t know if it’s important when I had my first dreams. The ones I still shudder to think about when I took all the violence that I did not yet understand and turned inwards. All the around forced myself to complete what I felt had been done to me. For years I discribbed myself as a genetic constrati because that is what it felt like, a boy born without a dick, and a body that looked female.

I didn’t know that there was any option. I didn’t know that there was another world. So of course my model of maleness was cis maleness. Of course, I had no idea what my Dick would look like. So does it mean that just that I think there are more ways to be male now. Then, I knew about back then. is my subconscious just being realistic. It knows what is possible and so that’s what gives me? Or is it something deeper?

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  1. wintersnowfall said, on December 13, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    I’ve heard good things about dragon naturally speaking from other people, too.

    I can remember having dreams where I had a different body than I actually have, but not for some time. Before I transitioned/even realized i was a tranny, I know I used to have pretty frequent dreams about being castrated or having a body that was either cis female or more female than mine was. But ever since I have been living as the gender I feel like i am, my dreams are very realistic about what my body looks like. Maybe I wasn’t holding it inside anymore so my unconscious didn’t have to remind me?

    Maybe your unconscious just knew you wanted a dick, but also knew what body parts you did have and how such a body part would be acquired. I mean, if merely altering the levels of naturally occurring hormones in your body can make your body do that, then your body already must know how to do it.

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