Genderqueer 2 genderqueer's Blog

Male and/ female and, existing in a binarist world.

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on December 1, 2010

So I am over thinking things, I am always over thinking things. I feel that in this world, as gender queer/non binary person you pretty much have to pick a gender, more or less, to exist, I work in a customer facing job, I don’t get to tell my customers about non binary pronouns, realistically I can medically transition and deal with being gendered male or I can not and deal with being gendered female. That doesn’t seem very radical, but I like eating and living in doors, and that means keeping my job.

Having stepped back and reconsidered medical transition I am thinking about my long term prospects of living as female and… So I was at an event last night, I choose not to out myself, well I guess I didn’t and so I was, in everyone elses mind (except for the friend I was with) assumed I was cis female. Which is not a bad guess, I currently look like a pimply dyke most of the way, I was happy at one point to read as queers.

There where several moments which where deeply uncomfortable, lots of jokes about being women. The kinda casual boding of women with women that leaves me feeling like some weird alien gate crasher.  At one point I was naked on a table (this was a demonstration I was being a model) I had a women* look at my genitals and say “nope, no penis” Gah. It was a great night but right then I wanted to run and hide.

So what the hell do I do, I don’t want to spend my whole life outing myself, explaining over and over again what I mean by gender queer, it’s dull, educating people is boring and I have better things to do, and I feel like if I don’t further transtion I will be considered fake or mad or attention seeking by my cis freinds. But it hurts, I have no idea how to stop it hurting.

I feel like there is no way out, like their isn’t room in this world for people like me and I have no idea how to make space in the world for me, I can talk about the big issues, about passports, and medical services, about jobs and housing, but I have no idea how to make a world where I feel ok.

*I assume.

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6 Responses

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  1. Eddy said, on December 1, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    This, a million times over.
    This, every day.
    Thank you for writing this.

  2. genderqueer2genderqueer said, on December 2, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    I glad my writing is helpful, thankyou for commenting, it means a lot to know people are reading.

  3. Faggot Boi said, on December 3, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    ugh, I feel you. Those moments of just being assumed to be a woman, even among women who are only trying to be friendly, can be so uncomfortable. I know that I felt really uncomfortable outing myself all the time AND really uncomfortable being assumed to be female. These are some of the major reasons I chose to start taking T. These are also some of the major reasons I’m glad to be on T. Though I’m sometimes read as ambiguous, people don’t so easily assume that I’m female anymore, which is an incredible relief.

    Nobody can decide this but you, but, as a genderqueer, one major question to consider is this: If you transitioned to the point where you were read as male, how comfortable would you be with people assuming you were male with the same ease with which they currently assume you’re female? How comfortable would you be with women treating you with distrust as a male or with men casually bonding with you?

    Another thing to keep in mind is that, if you do decide to transition, nobody is going to force you to “transition fully.” Many genderqueers pursue non-traditional transition paths just to get to a point where they feel more comfortable in their skins and in the social world. Though, be forewarned, many who intend to stop at some kind of in-between space end up feeling compelled to transition more “fully” because of some of the difficulties and dangers of being perceived as gender ambiguous.

    And then, there are people who never transition, but who just get to a point where they don’t care how they are read or misread. I know some older-generation folks who tend to be read as lesbian butches who have this experience. Humor is a helpful tool for this path.

    Yeah, it’s no easy thing, being non-binary in a binary world. And it’s not easy deciding what to do about it either. Wishing you wisdom and insight,

    F.B.

  4. Winter said, on December 11, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    First I just have to point out I LOVE this: “educating people is boring and I have better things to do.” TOTALLY! It’s so terribly, mind-numbingly boring. To me, gender is supposed to be fun and if it involves meticulously explaining the same things to every person I meet, then count me out.

    I don’t really have an answer to the question in this post either. Honestly, I have given up on thinking there will be a way to live that avoids the pain of having my gender misunderstood. To be fair, I am partially binary (I am multiple genders, one of which is trans girl), so maybe my experience is too dissimilar from yours to really relate. But I do get misgendered as male a lot, whether it’s a “he” or a “sir” or a “this guy,” and I find it extremely painful. I did in fact lose a job because of it; i didn’t get fired, but the weight of being sirred and he’d got to be so much that I just couldn’t walk in to work anymore. At first I reacted to this by attempting to pass as female as best I could so I would minimize the misgendering, but I’m insanely stubborn and I decided that, well, fuck it, I was just going to take those hits until my skin got tough enough to deal with it. It’s been kind of like banging my head against a brick wall until my headache goes away, but it definitely hurts a lot less than it used to.

    So basically my only solution is just to accept that pain is a part of gendered existence, and just let it be, and let people go about their idiocy. Laughing at them also helps. I’m not saying this is would work for you or anyone else, or even that it is a good idea (it has screwed up my mental health on a number of occasions). It also might not be viable without certain privileges or social support (I didn’t have to live on the street or do sex work because I lost a job). Anyway it’s the only way i have figured out to deal with it.

  5. Anon #1203 said, on February 25, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    This post sums up almost exactly how I feel right now. I am agendered. I feel no desire to medically transition, not even partially. Right now, letting strangers assume I am female is the path of least pain, for many reasons, some of which you mentioned yourself. But least pain does not mean no pain. I hate being glanced at and filed in the woman folder. Especially when there’s misogyny on top of the binarism, but even when there’s not.

    Anyway, it seems like I am probably preaching to the choir here. I wish that you never had to experience the things in your post but I’m glad that you shared it. I hope you know that you are not alone and that your writing is helpful–not just to me and the other commenters–but to many other silent readers, I’m sure.

  6. genderqueer2genderqueer said, on February 25, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Thank-you so much anon for your comment it really makes me happy to know that my words are helping others.
    My blog isn’t particularly wildly read, but that is ok if I era h people it helps.


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