Genderqueer 2 genderqueer's Blog

I am invisible

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on August 25, 2010

I am invisible

So says the badge that often sits on the back of my bag.

I am not sure where it is from, but I keep it because it is true, in a whole lot of different ways.

Invisibility is contested territory when trans people talk.

But the process, watching myself become invisible is fascinating, I am not read as male by those who do not know me, and as someone who is genderqueer, I will probably never be correctly read by the vast majority of people.

I am invisible
Unlike most trans guys I know I was reasonable femme as a girl, and reasonable attractive by mainstream standards for a lot of my childhood* adolescence and young adulthood, I was a target, I was public property, my interactions with men are still based on that dance of fear, when I always have my guard up, and I never smile at strangers.

Failing to present as male, and managing to present as an ugly girl, butch dyke, lesbo! gets me a lot less attention, in the most part and fuck it is good, and I am not the only one who has noticed this.

I wrote a couple of times before about the privilage of being left the fuck alone, and I am glad of it.

[trigger warning: sexual harassment, child abuse]

Their are exceptions, I was surrounded on a train four or five big guys, kids but I know I probably couldn’t have taken one of them, abused, told that I should be “raped straight” with detailed discussion of how they would like to do it, and then having had their fun they left,

I will probably not ever be completely free of this, their will be people willing to make me bleed for being a not sufficiently masculine man, just as their where for being either a fuckable, or non fuckable women.

But this whole experience reminds me why I am a feminist, because no body, deserves this treatment and whatever I can do to stop it happening to other people, I will do that.

*I was one of those young girls who got marked as adult and therefore suitable to adult attack on my sexuality young “if their is grass on the pitch it ok to play” I personally knew what that mean, knew that threat before I left primary school.

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3 Responses

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  1. nix said, on August 25, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    was that train experience recent? sounds really scary. i hope you’re ok.

  2. genderqueer2genderqueer said, on August 25, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    It was a while ago, and it was scary as fuck.

  3. Lucy said, on August 25, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    I am only starting to become visible but already I have to say that I think I preferred my previous invisibility. I don’t know why I thought a tall, leggy, fat, middle-aged queer femme would somehow stay invisible but I did. The realities of visibility are only slowly sinking in. I’d say I regret being femme, for no longer wearing androgynous T-shirts and jeans, but that would be a lie. Still, it can be tempting to want to go back to that.

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