Genderqueer 2 genderqueer's Blog

Rape, abuse, privilege, and conditioning for this particular faab genderqueer

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on April 17, 2010

This is a trigger warning, I am talking about some heavy stuff.

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I have been abused.

I have had my boundaries walked all over.

I don’t yet know how enforce by boundaries, under stress, in all conditions.

When I had just turned 18 I had sex I didn’t want to have with a much older man, he argued that it meant much more to him that we had sex than it meant to me that we didn’t, I still get nightmares about that.

I internalised this message, I didn’t say no, when I was tired, when I was sick, when I was so angry that I wanted to vomit.

I take sleeping pills sometimes, I found myself wanting to thank my partner for not abusing my intoxication on them, for curling up with me and patting me and making me feel safe.

I identified as female or something like it, most of my life, I am almost always read as female.

Rape culture taught me well, and those lessons are going to take a long time to unlearn.

I have read this post several times of the years, and every time, every point makes me want to scream in agreement.

I am terrified that because of my victimisation I am now damaged goods, broken, I was scared to see my partner and my lover because I though they would reject me, that what we had would be destroyed because I was no longer, unspoilt.

You don’t need to be female to be a femalizied victim.

To be a victim of this fucked up world

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