Genderqueer 2 genderqueer's Blog

losing community, or this is real now

Posted in Uncategorized by genderqueer2genderqueer on April 6, 2010

guess there’s something wrong with me
guess I don’t fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin
I’ve got more than one membership
to more than one club
and I owe my life
to the people that I love

-Ani DiFranco

A friend of mine was talking about a dyke event she was planning to perform in, and I mentioned  that I would love to see her perform, then I stopped six months from now six months on testosterone will I be welcome? What would being welcome mean?

This might seem selfish, unfair that I want to maintain access to a community which the mainstream trans narrative says I was only ever considered a member of by accident. But I’m still a Dyke, I trace my history to passing women and others whose identities were not as carefully boxed as we would like them to be this is complicated conversation with a complicated history. Female assigned trans people such as myself were held up as a defence against reasonable accusation of transphobia and bigotry targeted at male assigned and intersex trans people. I don’t want to add to that but I’m still not sure that I’m okay with being asked to forget my history; to simplify my identity for the benefit of cis people’s understanding.

With another friend at day or two ago I realised that I was talking about myself as a queer woman.  This is not internalised transphobia, I am taking which ever words reference who I am and how I feel I am the situation then.
I am sick of being asked to pick a side, yet again.

I am gender queer you can not invite me into your club because of the reality of my body you can erase those like me from your history, you can pretend that the lesbian community has always been a woman’s community if you so want but I’ll still be  here. My people will still be in your history we will still exist in the border lands Please don’t talk about passing women like they were all misunderstood like if only they been able to the binary identified transsexual men then they would all blended and left their history behind. because it is our community whether or not you choose to just think there are exist I am male I am female I am neither I am both and I am things we don’t have a word for yet. Pretend all you like but I’m still here.

I won’t go where not welcome that is as much self defence as it is a political stance I do not have the time or energy to fight but that’s not the same as saying that I accept that I do not belong.


One Response

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  1. Eddy said, on April 9, 2010 at 11:36 pm

    This is hard, losing allies because you are honest about who you are, sometimes losing friends. It is hard having to try explain to people who are close but just don’t “get” it. I don’t think it’s ok to be asked to erase your history, or to simplify your identity. It happens so much, and it’s so frustrating.

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